Jan. 18, 2020

On Memory

There were so many things I wanted to write about this week, but now that I am finally at the computer, I seem to have forgotten them all. Earlier today I went to my bedroom to pick up something and couldn’t remember what that was either. I had to go back several times before I finally remembered. So it makes sense that I should share some thoughts on memory today. Remember the scene from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood where Leo DiCaprio’s character keeps forgetting his lines and literally beats himself up about it? That’s me in real life. It is.

To memorize or not to memorize? That pretty much is the question.

Memorization is a huge part of musical life. We, pianists, learn to memorize from a very young age. I can’t tell you how many times people have asked me “how do you play so much music from memory?” The truth is, that I play a lot more music with the score. So what I end up performing is just a small part of my repertoire. It takes courage to perform, especially without the score. So every time I get up there on the stage, I take a risk.

My first memory slip happened when I was in first grade at the music school in Sofia. For some reason my teacher at the time made me memorize a four-hand piece. My partner was a very smart boy who had the bottom part with all the harmonies, nailed. For some reason I kept messing up the melody. Everyone kept telling me that my part was much easier to remember, that I should be able to play it perfectly, but I never did. Somehow I either didn’t understand or didn’t want to understand the concept of memorization and kept spacing out. Somehow we got through the concert, but the humiliation I felt is something that stays with me even today.

In high school when I was studying with Vessela my memory improved tremendously. Those were the days when I really started practicing for many hours at a time. She asked me to play everything by heart in her lessons even if I was bringing a brand new piece to her. There are several advantages to this method: you train yourself to memorize right away and you never have to worry about forgetting, because the memory becomes a natural part of the learning process. You read, then you immediately memorize. In those days it took me just a week to commit to memory all 24 Chopin Preludes, Op. 28.

My teacher at Juilliard, Mr. Lipkin, was against such quick memorization. He felt that I was not spending enough time with the score and as a result my playing was pretty sloppy. I missed a lot of details and often played bass notes in the wrong octave, ignored or never learned important harmonic nuances and did not have enough respect for all the other details that the composers went through the trouble of writing down. Lipkin was all about respecting the score. He couldn’t care less if I played with or without the score as long as I was not sloppy. Playing without intellectual understanding really irritated him, especially if he had to remind me about something that I had missed in the score more than once. Like a pedal marking. Generally I always ignored the pedal markings and did my own, but sometimes the pedal markings were unusual and written so for a reason. Especially in Chopin.

Lipkin himself played from memory even when he was in his 80s, although he, too, worried about memory slips and sometimes opted for using the score. As did a lot of great artists, by the way. I think I read somewhere that Richter started playing from the scores in his middle age, because he didn’t want to do all the extra practicing required for memorization. He preferred to go to the museum or to take a walk in nature.

Pianists go through a lot of anxiety when it comes to memorization. Our scores are complex and there is simply a great deal more to remember than, say, a complicated flute or violin part. In my case, 99% of the nerves I experience when performing come from the fear of a memory slip. I have no such fear when I perform with the score. Excitement, yes. Fear … don’t think so. That’s why I feel so comfortable playing chamber music.

So, let’s think about this rationally. Who decided that we have to play from memory? When and why did all this start? What are the advantages of memorizing? Do we really know a piece better when we play it from memory?

Playing without the score became popular sometime in the 19th century with the rise of the virtuosos. Before then everyone used the music, even if they improvised and added ornaments in a manner similar to the way jazz musicians perform today. The composers were also the performers. With the emergence of the art of the performer, separate from the composer, the art of playing from memory became more common. As Clara Schumann famously said: playing by memory gave “her wings power to soar”. Still, not everyone did it. For example Liszt did not always play from memory, neither did Mendelssohn. I think that the whole practice, especially for pianists, became the norm with the emergence of conservatories and competitions in the late 19th and 20th centuries. At that point memorization became a requirement, something to be evaluated and judged.

Today we often have discussions on the merits of playing from memory.

This, of course, all depends on your whole concept about performance. Are you a romantic who wants to let go and soar like Clara? Or are you an intellectual and a purist who wants to keep that holy connection with the score and doesn’t want to risk forgetting something?

For me, when I perform, I imagine that I am an actor. A good one, who is completely devoted to the character. So, if I am reading the part, it would not be the same as when I play it “by heart”. Even in chamber music. I have the score in front of me, but when I know a work well, I have it pretty much committed to memory. All the parts. I also like to practice the page turns, they can be most dramatic.

Do actors and singers have memory slips? Of course they do. Singers rely on the melody, but sometimes have to sing it with made up words until they remember and get back to the actual text. Very few people in the audience know what happened. Actors improvise. I remember my friend HG, an extraordinary actor. She once played an angel and got so into her role that she completely spaced out on stage. Of course, nobody knew that anything had happened, because her cast members jumped in and improvised until she got back in the play. I sometimes have to do this when I am accompanying: if the person I am playing with has a slip, I begin playing their part until they get back on. But I have all the music in front of me. A good accompanist is also able to also jump around the piece if need be.

In any case, this is every performing artist’s worst nightmare. That, or having to share this Earth with someone who voted for Trump.

What was I talking about? Oh yes, memory. Are there other advantages?

1. Yes. You practice more
2. You really get to know the piece analytically.
3. You get to experience the piece in a way that is detached from the written page, so the potential of reaching “the zone” when playing from memory is a lot higher. What zone you say? That absolutely special moment where music envelopes everything around and you are no longer feeling it or thinking it, you just become a part of something greater than yourself. Audiences know when that moment happens and it is magic. Rubinstein talks about it in an interview. The ultimate goal of every musician. Nirvana. Or what Clara said.
4. You practice A LOT more.

How about the negative aspect of memorization? The anxiety, the absolute fear of the humiliation of forgetting, the hell one sometimes goes through on the day of a concert or (God FORBID!) during the performance. The fact that sometimes when playing from memory one is so upset and worried that she sounds worse. That instead of reaching for Nirvana she ends up in Hell.

Sometimes I feel that I would rather walk around naked than have to deal with a memory slip. I remember a friend stopping at the end of Prokofiev violin concerto, walking up to the conductor, stopping again, starting again, stopping and starting and messing up the same spot over and over … hell on earth.

Then there is probably the most relevant thing, and that is the fear of old age. I am in my mid forties. Do I have memory issues in my daily life? Apart from forgetting what I needed in my bedroom earlier today, not really. In fact I remember everything I need to do and more. I remember also what everybody else in my family needs to do and where they need to be. So in that sense I don’t think I am becoming forgetful … yet. But when I try to memorize music, I am definitely struggling more. Or maybe I am more demanding of myself, less confident than when I was younger. Less willing to jump in and take the risk. Less courageous.

So what is the conclusion?

Just stop whining and memorize the damn thing!